Gratitude

It has been some time since I have updated what is going on in our lives, and I finally found some spare time today, so I decided to post a new update. The last few weeks have been amazingly busy and challenging, but looking back on them I can only express gratitude for everything that took place.

I have found myself very busy at work and at times frustrated as I learn the work and get my daily tasks done, but because of the income we have been able to save the car, pay all the other bills, and even have some to spend on fun things for ourselves, which has been very nice for a change. It is still frustrating to me sometimes to have to work when there are things I would much rather be doing with the family, but I realize that if I wasn't working we would have lost it all without a doubt.

Last week my mom told me in a text message that she had to go in for a biopsy because they suspected possible breast cancer, and I was scared to death not only that I may be susceptible to the same fate, but more that her time here would be cut short and I wouldn't have her in my life anymore. I prayed harder and fasted more than ever in my life that her results would come back that she was healthy, and when I found out that they did I was so relieved I wanted to cry! That was a very scary and very new challenge for me to go through, and I again can only be grateful that things worked out for the better.

I also had a very humbling and eye opening event take place this last week. After I got home from work Saturday I was sitting reading updates from my friends on Facebook and stumbled across one from my cousin that I just read over and over not believing what I read was true. I tried calling my family, but no one would answer, so I called my cousin and asked him about what was written, and he verified it was indeed true. Another cousin of ours had been in Las Vegas running a relay when he was struck by a drunk driver and killed earlier that morning. I was in absolute shock. He is only a few years older than I am, and has a wife and three little babies. I arranged to get the time off to go to the funeral yesterday in Kamas, and it was very sad but at the same time almost a celebration, not of death, but of his life and the good he did. Listening to all the kind things everyone had to say about him made me grateful that he had been a part of my life, and made me sit and reflect on the times we spent together, and also wonder what people would say about me. It was the first time I had taken time to reflect and ponder in a LONG time.

News broadcast for Jeremy's Accident

I think that I take many things for granted... my health, my family and friends, my home and material possessions that others don't have... and this week has made me extremely grateful for everything and everyone I have in my life, and I hope that I am able to express that not only verbally, but through my actions as well.

A Pleasant Surprise!!!

It's been awhile since I updated my blog, mostly because I have found myself swamped with tons to do. I have been adjusting to working full time again, and it has taken almost the month I have now been employed to get there, but I think I finally am acclimated. I am grateful to have a blackberry, because I have made myself a very detailed calendar that runs every second of every day so I actually get things done, because otherwise I would never get anywhere on time and never get anything done! Lol!

Joseph Julian Diaz at 2 days old

Ben and I have both had an overwhelming week dealing with the birth of our newest nephew to his sister on monday, and Ben's birthday on thursday. I was really disappointed because I was asked to be in the delivery room when he was born, and I ended up having to go to work instead, but we went to visit as soon as I got off. My cousin ended up having her son later that same day, but she's in Idaho, so I was only able to see him via picture message. I got up early and decorated with balloons and a big banner on the door for my nephew to come home on Wednesday, and his mom was thrilled! Then I spent the next day decorating for Ben's birthday. He was totally not expecting it either! I put streamers and balloons everywhere before I left for work so he'd come home to it... then I left work early and picked up a cake and some ice cream, and I turned off all the lights and lit the candles right before he walked thru the door. He was surprised all over again! I was so proud of myself!

Ben's Birthday cake!

My biggest surprise of the week though happened today. I was feeling super tired and unmotivated because I had to work today. I kept getting calls from a number I didn't recognize, but couldn't answer because I was working, then my mom texted me and said I needed to answer my phone asap because my aunt had very exciting news for me. I signed off the phone and called her not knowing what to expect, and I was delivered the news..... she had found out how bad I wanted to go to the Creed/Staind concert next week and she had bought me a pair of tickets!!!!!! I was speechless! What a pleasant way to end the week!!!!

Things Are Finally Working Out

Well, it's been 2 weeks and a few days since I started working at Wachovia. I made my first hour worth of calls last night, but only got voicemails, I didn't actually get to talk to anyone. It was a little nerve wracking, but I did okay. I guess the true test is how I handle doing it full time on my own and being responsible for hitting my numbers. I like my team a lot, but management leaves some to be desired. Ultimately I would say so far so good, although I will say I would still MUCH rather work from home, or not work at all. I'm still looking into that option.

Ben got his check and we were able to pay all the bills except the mortgage, which was a huge burden removed from us. With him getting paid bi-weekly and me getting checks twice a month it should make it easy for us to pay everything once we finally get everything back in working order. I am currently working with a company who claims they can lower our payments and keep us from foreclosing, so we'll see what they come up with.... but if they fail we may find ourselves moving soon. I don't know that I am all that upset about moving though... I hate Utah and see that as an excuse to leave and start over somewhere new... why not right?

Things are finally starting to improve and get back to normal, but our relationship is also being affected by the change. We are not stressed and worried all the time about bills like we were before, but we are also not nearly so attached and close as we were only a few weeks ago, because we spent every waking minute together and had no one but each other, and now with both of us working full time we get up, get ready and leave for work, get home, eat dinner and rest for a little bit, then go to bed again... and not only do we not really spend much time together, but I feel ineffective as a wife because I am not able to prepare meals and keep the house spotless the same way I was before. He would never complain about it, but it really bothers me, but it's obvious we will fail if things aren't the way they are now, so I guess I will just have to adjust.

A Light At The End Of The Tunnel

Well, as it seems things have started to improve in our home as of lately. I FINALLY got a job with Wachovia after leaping thru all kinds of hoops for them (seriously, I went thru 3 interviews, background checks, fingerprints, and even a phone interview all taking the course of about a months time)... and my first day was today. I showed up a little early nervous and anxious to see what it would be like since I have never done this kind of work before. Overall I would say it was a rather uneventful and boring day, but somewhat hopeful none the less. The team is close knit and seems to like what they do and each other, which is a HUGE relief! I like a comfortable work environment, so that should help. I did come home with a killer migraine though... I had forgotten how straining staring at a computer screen all day could be.

As far as the bills go, we got the bank account caught up, and luckily were able to make a car payment in enough time to save it... at least for the time being. The cable is still off, but Ben will be getting a full check on Friday and we should have enough to cover most of the remaining bills. THANK GOD!!! Now the only thing we need to figure out is how to get caught up on our mortgage payments before they take away our house. So far things seem to be working out for us though, so I am hoping the same will happen there.

Little by little burdens are removing themselves from our lives and we are once again finding joy and happiness, so I can only hope and pray that we stay on this positive path and that this job doesn't lead me to destruction the way the last one did.

Another Day Of The Unknown...

Well, it's been a few days... and although we are not quite as distraught as earlier, it is simply because we are adjusting to the idea that there is little control we have in everything that is about to take place. Ben got paid on Friday, but it was only for one week of working and was barely enough to cover the massive overdraft we had from automatic payments thru the bank, so we still we unable to actually pay anyone. Our cable got shut off a few days ago, which isn't such a big deal, except for that we don't have a converter box or newer tv, so we can't watch it at all anymore... kinda sucks. I spoke with some of our debtors and was told we have until Friday to make a payment on our phones before they will not guarantee services anymore, and also until Friday to pay at least one full payment on my car before they'll consider repossession. Ben doesn't get paid for two more weeks....

I slept for a total of maybe three hours last night and this morning, and have been online applying for jobs since the crack of dawn... but no matter how many applications I put in it just doesn't look hopeful. We sat and talked for quite awhile the other night about what we'd do if they take back our house... and our only conclusion was to leave Utah since there isn't anything left for us here.

My family showed up a bit unexpectedly last night and brought some basic groceries and a gift card for some gas. That was a big relief as we haven't had money for either, and it will help us get by a little longer. Now if we could find a way to get some serious cash so that we could save everything else... but where? I don't know how I can find a job without a phone, or a car, or internet once it is shut off too... but I guess we'll figure that out when we get there. In the mean time we are just plugging along one day into the unknown at a time waiting for answers. Hopefully we'll get a few good ones soon.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back...

I have never blogged before... and to be honest it never really interested me, until lately that is. Life has a funny way of being overly complicated, and I have found that all the other methods I have attempted to use to relieve myself of stress and depression have failed to work, so I decided to give this a shot instead. I guess this first post will have to be mostly background information for anything else to make sense... so here goes.

Ben and I purchased our home in January of 2007. We were both working full time and although we had two vehicle loans and a mortgage to pay we found we were doing ok. In October of last year Ben suddenly lost his job and was unable to find work, so since I was the only one working I started pulling INSANE hours of overtime to cover the income loss. Eventually he was able to bring in some money by advertising handyman work online, but it wasn’t enough. Just after Christmas our truck was repossessed by the bank. We were devastated when we received a letter from them only a few days afterwards saying they were going to auction it off, but that we would be responsible for any remaining loan balances… because we knew we were VERY upside down in the loan as it was and there would be a balance remaining.

Realizing we didn’t have another choice, we filed a chapter 7 bankruptcy earlier this spring. The day the courts finalized the paperwork we felt a good size burden being removed from us and thought for sure that now we would be ok, but as the months passed we realized it was far from ok. I was still the only one working, and I HATED my job more than anything in the world. I would cry every morning and have to force myself to go. I found myself on several medications for anxiety, insomnia, migraines, and worst of all depression. My husband worried about my well being every day and did all he could to fix our situation, and when the handyman work started booming he told me he wanted me to quit and focus on me and my health instead of that horrible job. I was SO relieved I was a different person almost that instant.

The work was steady and enough that we couldn’t keep up with the demand, so we figured we were out of the slums. I closed my 401k and used the money to catch up on bills that remained unpaid. Ben LOVED being his own boss, and I LOVED being able to work at his side or just stay at home, and it felt like for once things were going right. All of the sudden though, the calls stopped coming in, and the work came to a dead halt. I then realized I wouldn’t be able to stay at home and focus on me and my health and started filling out application after application. I filled out at least five a day and got angry when I heard nothing back on even one. Ben too would go out searching and searching for work and come back with his head hung low depressed he couldn’t find anything to support us.

Finally last week Ben got hired at a job he started Monday. We were so relieved he had found work after all this time, and I too had a great job potential I was waiting to hear back from. He came home exhausted and sore, but grateful to have the job! We were so happy… until I got the mail yesterday. As I sorted thru the various letters and ads I came across one from out mortgage company and knew it couldn’t be good. I opened it and cried as I read the words… “pre-foreclosure”. And then, more bad news from the car loan… a threat of repossession. I couldn’t help but sob out loud as I read them both, because I knew even though Ben was working full time he wouldn’t be paid for at least two weeks, and the check wouldn’t be large enough to cover them both.

I found myself daydreaming and wishing I could win the lottery or a large sum of money on a gameshow like I watched others on tv do, but when reality kicked in I realized that would never happen to me. Now I sit wracking my brain to find a solution, a way out… but every thought process and idea I have leads to the same conclusion… it cannot be done. We have nothing we can sell, no credit due to the bankruptcy that we can use for loans or lines of credit, and our friends and family either cannot or will not help either, so we are up a creek without a paddle ALONE. We have no money for food and nowhere else to go, and since we have no credit and no money we cannot find anywhere else to go. We are about to lose EVERYTHING we have and can’t do anything about it.

One step forward… two steps back….